Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We don't watch enough power rangers
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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