Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
