I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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