i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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