I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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