I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
