i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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