My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
