You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
