can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
