Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
