My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
