dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
