Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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