And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
