She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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