U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
