I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
