every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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