i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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