i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
