Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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