I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
