She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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