Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
