i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are my feet made of real feet?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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