I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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