True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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