Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
