he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
