I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
