I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
