She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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