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So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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