I can text with my tongue
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
