I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
