i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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