were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
