saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
