I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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