Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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