The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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