You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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