How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
