no, he came in my armpit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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