She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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