her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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