nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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