Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Never underestimate the power of titties
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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