I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
