the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have fence marks all over my body
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
