that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
