I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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