We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
