well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
