Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just blew my weed a kiss
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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