I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
