Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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